Added: Kaycee Briceno - Date: 12.08.2021 01:25 - Views: 29651 - Clicks: 9300
Does it work to talk to friends about feeling blown off? January 7, AM Subscribe Sometimes I feel blown off by people who on a lot of other measures appear to be my friend. I get that sometimes life happens etc. Does it work to talk to people about this sort of thing?
Is communication key or will it just make things awkward? Current instance is a woman who I've been friends with for the past years or so. I would say she's very sociable, confident and extroverted while I'm more introverted I think I am actually very introverted? I feel like there is a pattern in my relationships of me being attracted to stronger personalities and being more of the tag-along sidekick person if that makes sense. Anyway, I also travel a lot for work but have looked this friend up to our shared activity whenever I'm back in town.
She frequently suggests things to do together in the future when we are hanging out but I'd say we've kind of evolved into a pattern where I'm the one who generally makes the move to organize actually getting together. She has overall been dependable but tends to be a little late for things, while I'm very punctual and dependable. I think there was a period earlier on in the friendship where the tardiness caused a bit of under the radar tension with me but eventually I just kind of got used to it and we would joke about her always being a bit late and in generally she's actually not that terrible about it in the end.
Most recently I came back to town after the holidays and sent a FB message a couple days ago suggesting we get together for Friend blew me off regular shared activity. The last time I saw her was right before the holiday and we had a really nice night of hanging out and laughing together and talked about setting up a more regular time to do our shared activity when I Friend blew me off back. She responded right away to my message the other night and expressed interest in hanging out and we bantered a bit about some random stuff but then the conversation just kind of died off and she didn't respond to my efforts to actually organize hanging out.
So I'm left with option of waiting for her to eventually respond or follow up I guess I have the fear that this won't happen? Do you think there is any point to pursuing the last option? I just feel confused because I think it's an overall dynamic in our relationship that I feel like we have a good time for the most part - I suppose there have been days here and there where I wasn't feeling "on" for whatever reason and it was harder to connect but I think that's normal for more anxious introverted people?
I just would like to feel the friendship through actions and not just words I guess. If useful for context, I do overall feel like I could have a more vibrant social life, but the Friend blew me off plus work travel and overall stress at work recently in particular has been getting the better of me.
Actually this is a central conflict of my life at the moment. On the other hand, I do go through periods where I have the energy and time to go out and meet people, or feel like I am meeting up with a lot of friends - though this kind of ebbs and flows and I often find it challenging to establish and maintain numerous strong friendships and can end up reliant on just a few people. It depends. I was on Team Give Up and Go, but spouse feels strongly about talking things out.
We got heartfelt proclamations that we really mattered Friend blew me off they'd love to see us more aaaaaand I don't doubt that the words were meant sincerely, but there was no change in behavior. We eventually dropped our end of the rope. OTOH depending on the friend's personality, life situation,???? Ultimately I feel like I can only look at what I'm okay with, where my boundaries are, what works for me; and then try not to be an asshole in carrying that out.
And I'm an intensely unlikeable person; I could count the people I've considered close friends throughout my life on one hand. One right now. Married to them. Being isolated sucks, but putting up with dynamics that don't work for you isn't healthy in the long run either.
This is the type of thing you can bring up with someone Friend blew me off have shared responsibility with including romantic relationships. IME it will be pointless or even self-defeating in any other circumstance. Some people are flaky, friendship dynamics are often tilted one way or another, and sometimes you're going to be the person always doing the reminding, regardless of how much someone wants to hang out with you. Keep meeting people and you'll probably find some who go too far the other way. Yeah, I'd say this is a character thing. As a busy, extroverted person, I have a lot of great intentions to do things with people but a jam packed calendar, so planning things is often put off.
I do want to get together, but the bandwidth to make plans is not always there. So talking might not change it, even with the best of intentions on your friend's part. And if you can't live with the dynamic, then they might not be a good choice for a friend for you. For example, I am Friend blew me off on time for things barring actual crisis and people who are chronically late drive me nuts. But that's the price of admission for some people; I have friends I love enough to deal with it and I've had potential friends who faded out because it just wasn't a good fit.
One thing that works pretty well for me is a recurring, scheduled thing. It sounds like that might not work with your schedule, but even if you have to cancel often, knowing that Wednesday night is "Us Night" means it goes in my calendar and doesn't get blocked out. Even if we have to cancel more than half the time, the spot isn't as likely to fill up on my calendar and I don't have to put the bandwidth into searching for a time. So yeah, in short, this is likely the price of admission to this friendship.
If you really can't stand it, you can drop the person.
If you talk to them, you're likely to get reassuring and sincere! Would the reassurances be enough to help? Another vote for she may well get distracted? Is there any reason why this has to be a multi stage process? If that Friend blew me off like too much lead time you could have made concrete suggestions when to meet in your message?
I love the idea of a standing appointment to do your shared activity. I agree that trying to set a standing date to do your shared activity sounds like a good idea -- you could maybe frame it as ability if it's related to any health or other goals you have if that feels like it might be more persuasive? I don't think telling a casual friend that she's hurt your feelings by not being diligent enough in organizing your next hangout, particularly at this time of year, is going to get you a good result. People get busy and distracted at the holidays.
I'd be very put off if a casual friend accused me of bad behavior in the context you're describing.
Maybe when you plan to do your shared activity, you can bring up a preference for setting a time right then, framing it in terms of how you like to plan. Other people actually prefer it though. But if you say that just for your own planning you want to do it a different way, especially when it's a one on one thing, that is very reasonable.
I think if you make it more about the relationship right now, you are going to sound high maintenance. I hatehatehate organizing plans as a long drawn-out process - like "we should hang out! I'd much rather specific concrete plans with Friend blew me off choice of A or B - sounds like you already have the activity covered, so your only decision is date and time. I think you should follow up with "any chance you're free on Tuesday or Wednesday for the 7 pm cycling class?
Just to provide context, I am one of these people. I get that this is part of the emotional labour of friendships, and I get that to be a really good friend, I need to put that effort in as well. Emotionally and energeticallythough, I am wired differently. When I come home at night and fall on my couch, I do think about my friends fondly, or when I see a recipe that reminds me of them or a book that they would like.
How often I call someone has nothing, zero, nada, zip, to do with how I feel about that person. Again, I theoretically get that for some people, this is not the case and I really do get from listening to other that for some people my not calling them makes them feel the reverse of how I would wish them to feel.
But it's soooo not on my emotional radar. In both directions. Even with social media and seeing my friends going out in various configurations without me, I almost never - like maybe once every three years? Not Friend blew me off to gather the troops first. This is the part I have worked the hardest to change, to at least reach out at the point at which I'm about to book tickets. Also I do juggle a lot of responsibilities including a job that gets crazy in the evenings from time to time, and so I've flaked enough that I feel like I have to be really careful about plans I make.
Anyways, so Friend blew me off to let you know there is this category of people out there.
That doesn't mean that someone like me is a good match to be friends with you. In fact, I think probably not, and so my friend list is pretty culled to "people who understand this quirk of mine. What warriorqueen writes is pretty much how it is with me and my friends.
I can be and mostly am like this too. I might do exactly what you describe, have a great fun evening and then genuinely be interested to meet you but not take the initative or follow through. For me it is most often the lack of energy, i might appear extrovert but I quite often run out of steam.
But it Friend blew me off not come from lack of interest in you, only from my own lack of emotional capacity to arrange my social life which is ironic as i organise others social life for a living. I lost some friends through this.
Others remain as they can deal with this pattern. If you want to keep the friend and feel you can extend to be the more active part, message her. But equally important, don't worry if you can't. Caveat: I'm an organizer. I'm the one that drags people out, sets up plans, does all that labor. I don't mind it, and friends constantly say how the appreciate it, because otherwise we'd never all get together.
My approach: less Friend blew me off, more chalk, really. I'll miss their company, and if it's really important or a long enough relationship, I'll keep inviting them and enjoy it when they do show-up posted by k5. This reminds me of a new-ish friend that I've "been making" over the last year. I had noticed that Friend blew me off friend didn't seem to initiate much, although they always showed up when I initiated. I tested this dynamic on a low-stakes event, for my own sick curiosity, and this is how it went: -A small group had talked about seeing a certain movie, about which Friend was the most enthusiastic.
This would consist of just hitting Reply-All to an existing thread and typing one sentence. I had to conclude that Friend is simply not inclined to take initiative, even when they have to do zero administrative work, even when they are supplied with every detail, and even when the event is of greatest interest to THEM. Friend blew me off sure it's clear from how I'm describing this that I have NO idea what makes this person tick because this is so incompatible with my way of thinking. I can't explain why initiating plans is a struggle for Friend -- or even if it registers in their mind as a struggle -- or whether it's a total blind spot.
They do always say "thank-you for organizing" so it's possible they are aware on some level, but I decided that for my sanity, that I wouldn't spend my energy getting to the bottom of their reasons or their level of self-awareness: I would simply accept that they are not inclined to initiate plans.
It helped that Friend was good in other ways: they answer my s promptly and with enthusiasm, they come up with fun ideas, they never forget to pay me back, they show up every time they say they will, and they are good company. If I have to force the plans across the finish line, which I am good at anyway, then so be it.
I couldn't even say "Let's meet at X subway station on Saturday at pm for lunch" because then they'd want me to decide "What restaurant? One time I counted 50 texts over the course of 3 days and we never even got together.
It was just exhausting and I had to drop them. When friends are flaky enough that their non-response will actually bother me, I message them only to invite them to things I was going to do anyway. This is usually done via groupchat, a text I send out to like 10 people at once or Facebook event invite. Minimum stress! If you prefer one-on-one plans instead of group things If she flakes then it's not a huge problem since you were going to do those errands anyway.Friend blew me off
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