Added: Jeanne Pendleton - Date: 12.12.2021 21:59 - Views: 31722 - Clicks: 5898
I find that situations easily send me into depression. I am dysthymic with some social anxiety. I work hard everyday to be grateful. I was 29 when I met my first boyfriend. We would go on to date for a year and move in together for the following three years.
It escalated to one night when I just had this hunch to ask him why it felt like he was already dating someone. I slept in my car that night after he told me he was seeing someone. He texted me to come back, saying that he would sleep on the couch.
The following week I came to pick up my stuff. We hugged and said that we would remain friends. Over the course of the next few months, we were still seeing each other for lunch. Each time he would kiss me, I would feel this weird feeling in my stomach like I was being lied to. The last time I saw him, he showed some pictures on his phone when the same girl that he was dating while we were living together calls. He sends it to voic. All the s pointed south.
I became increasingly depressed and sought therapy to talk it out.
I discovered that the feelings of worthlessness I felt were consistent with those of people who have been emotionally abused. During our relationship I felt isolated from my loved ones. Our arguments always ended in me apologizing for offending him, or him threatening me by withdrawing his love.
He said belittling words to me in front of others, as well as in private. And he lacked understanding about anything I was going through, not to mention he was abusing cocaine and other drugs I was not aware of. Over time I discover that he had been flirting with everyone in town, bringing women into our apartment while I was at work. Over time I asked why I was attracted to a man like this. The answer became something I did not want to accept: he reminded me of my father.
My dad is in the nursing home with renal failure, dementiaand end stages of diabetes. He is Is it really that difficult to love and be loved and has been for the past year. It was hard accepting the fact that my dad is on his deathbed, even though he is otherwise healthy and still alive. It felt like I had to forgive him very quickly. The guilt, the feelings that I have been a terrible daughter, wondering what I could do to make people love me more—maybe if I just stopped complaining, maybe if I were more successful.
The same tools I found myself using to just make this person be more loving, stop hurting, were the ones I used on both my ex and my father. I do forgive him. I know he suffered abuse astoo.
His culture—our culture—stigmatizes seeking help or medication for the bipolar disorder he evidently has. His temper subsided over the years, as equally subdued as feeble his body has become. The mark he left on his wife, my mother, seems impossible to remove.
My mom stopped hugging me by the time I was about 8. She never tells my dad she loves him, even though she is the most dutiful wife, visiting him everyday at the nursing home. She is warm in ways that are different than most moms. She has been there for me when I had no one else. The abuse I accepted in my life was because I grew up with it.
I love my parents. I also love my ex-boyfriend. To this day I feel there is still something I could do to heal his hurt so that we could truly love. I also wonder if it would be possible, or if I am just setting myself up for a rude awakening again. The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
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This is someone who will make you feel worthy of loving and being loved and some of the hurt from the past will subside. I also encourage you to not think that this hurt is going to continue to follow you throughout your life ebcause this does not have to be your truth nor your reality. Life can be such a wonderful and fulfilling experience, but you do at some point when you are ready, have to let go of the past and clear the way for the future.
Abusing is one of the most terrible harms that you could ever inflict, be it physical or emotional abuse. There comes a point in time where you have to take ownership of the behavior and know that it is time for the cycle of abuse to be stopped and broken. The abuse you suffered as can be forgiven but not forgotten. Go to therapy. Do the work. You reached out for help. You are ready for the next step.
When you have only experienced unhealthy relationships those dynamics feel comfortable and you tend to be drawn to love that feels familiar. That means if your dad withheld his love when he was angry, or abused you, that same behavior feels normal in your relationship with a partner, rather than raising red flags. Therapy can help you recognize and change unhealthy relationship patterns.
I encourage you to pursue therapy and begin living the life you deserve, with relationships that make you feel happy and fulfilled. Good luck! By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy. Get Listed. Find a Therapist Advanced Search. Invalid Address. Please confirm that you are human. Leave a Comment By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy. Leave this field empty. Search Our Blog. Notice to users GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy.
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Facing Love: The Difficulty of Loving and Being Loved